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I never thought it would happen again although this time its a little different, that one day that feeling that I thought I was afraid of all those years would actually caught up with me. Imagine my surprise when I was busy trying to outrun a leopard and the next  thing I know its digging its claws in my skin and there is nothing I can do about it.

I used the leopard because its fast and thats how I believe it was, maybe a little unusual and distinct but since I have decided to deviate a bit from my normal behavior this year there was nothing wrong with it at all. I still cannot believe that it took a month for me to laugh about a past that brought me nothing but pain and suffering 7 years ago. It has not felt so real before than when you laughed in my face about the plans I had and I remembered an old favorite song of mine. In that instant it stopped hurting and I realized that the feeling was not my fear but the fact that people I shared it with just tend to leave and I was not ready for another goodbye so I decided to protect myself.

It all seemed insignificant what I was doing before. They say that the best thing you can ever have is for someone to be naked with you completely and I am not talking about clothes off naked I am referring to sharing your life kind of naked. I have always thought that love is supposed to be transparent with the one you share it with, but because of my fear that people will leave whenever it felt like I am getting too close I automatically put up my defense mechanisms without realizing it. This way I was able to stay away from many unnecessary situations and it never occurred to me that the very thing I actually yearned for could ever pass me by while I am busy wearing this armor. I have been watching an anime called Fairytail and I took a liking to most characters but Erza  Scarlet remindes me of myself. She is a wizard who specializes in "requip" magic in other words she is able to change her armor. She is fierce on the battlefield and she wears it to protect herself and everyone until she realized that everyone has been protecting her. She becomes comfortable in her own clothes and is able to take off that armor confidently because there is no need for it, with friends around. 

The pain of the past hardened my heart or so I wanted it to be, that's until I met you. You were able to turn a leaf I was not aware existed or was it because I totally forgot to protect myself or because I remembered that there is nothing to runaway from, I will not know. When you are able to tell someone all those embarrassing things about yourself when everyone believes that you have everything together, these would normally make you want to run away. The idea of total nakedness and comfortability has always thrilled me, I say it is an idea because I have not met anyone I have shared with. I took it upon myself to give you what I thought you wanted instead of communicating with you. I am sorry for the way I acted and punishing you for something you have never been responsible for, truthfully that was never the intention.

I believe that its very hard to deal with a heart that you did not break and even harder to try and make a relationship work with someone who refuses to let anyone try to be there for them. I may have been distant at some point but the only mistake I made was making you think that you were not important because you are and I would not want it any other way. You were right when you said it seems like we have known each other way longer than it was, the comments you would make its as if  you knew who I was before, you just fit. I would look at you and just think "Is this really it?" 

The way you laugh and ask me every split second if I am okay, random calls and messages, the way my face and voice just light up. How your laugh and smile just means everything is alright.When you said no one is going anywhere, we going to sit down and sort out everything. I thought those only existed in picture quotes and memes and it turns out I was wrong and it seems with you being wrong has become quite common. It is said many can make you cry but it takes a very special someone to make you laugh with tears simultaneously. Whatever you do do not get me wrong I was happy before and I am happier now because I have seen, learned and grown considerably and I am grateful for that. I loved you when I uttered those words and believe that I have found every reason to love you a little extra everyday and count my lucky stars, those butterflies they always speak about I think they are back my smile keeper.